What more I have to face?

Salam. Dah lama tak tulis blog...cume saat paling happy giler or paling kritikal. Today, kritikal. Macam2 dugaan yg tak habis2...ya Allah, hebat nya dugaan MU ini. Sampai dah tak tau nak buat pe. Lepas satu, satu masalah...kenapa? Aku dah tak berdaya lagi, penat jadi kuat lepas tu jatuh semula beribu kali. Mane jalan penyelesaian dan akhir buat aku?

Dah tak de jalan lain yg aku nampak, semua dah tutup. Bile nak selesai? Aku dalam kesempitan, tolonglah faham. Kenapa susah sgt nak fhm? Aku je yg jaga hati org, tapi hati aku yg dah beribukali retak...sampai dah tak boleh nak sambung lg....aku pasrah tp kenapa masih lagi aku di sini? 

Satu je yg aku harap sekarang, semua ni berakhir dan lepas tu ape nak jadi, jadi lah. Aku sakit sgt, penat, letih, takut. Aku harap petunjuk dan jln keluar dtg segera utk semua sengsara aku ni. Mungkin ini balasan Tuhan, tp aku berharap semua ni sementara dan takkan berpatah balik. Ade yg merungut dgn ujian kecik dari NYA, kalau lah mereka boleh rase ape yg aku rase kat tempat aku...selagi hidup, aku akan selalu ingat yg ade lagi dugaan manusia yg lebih teruk dari dugaan aku.

Aku bersyukur dan redha dgn segala nikmat dah ketentuanNYA utk aku. Dah lebih 10tahun hubungan yg kite ade, salah ke nak menghalalkan? Ada lg cinta yg dihalang org tua zaman sekarang mcm ni? Aku cukup sabar, setia dan berusaha dgn segala yg perlu utk hubungan kita, tp kenapa selalu mcm ni? dah penat, letih...ape patut aku buat? Cume aku je yg rase, tak de sape rase ape aku rase! 

Memang takdir aku mcm ni ke? percintaan yg tak pernah berjaya? selalu hancur ditgh jalan. Sekarang, aku redha & pasrah dgn segalanya. Tak de lg daya usaha dan percaya akan semua yg belum pasti. Hati menangis, aku sendiri je yg tau...tak mampu nak keluarkan airmata, tak mampu nak bercerita, meluahkan. Semua mcm dah beku, tepu.

Awak, 

Kalaulah awk baca blog ira ni, ira nak awk tau...bukan senang utk buat keputusan putuskan hubungan kite dulu, dan bukan senang nak sambung semula sekarang ni. Sebab2 yg mcm ni lah yg buat ira takut nak berdepan. Ira rase mcm ira je yg berperang seorang. Ira nak sgt org yg boleh jaga ira, bwk ira keluar dari rmh tu...tapi mcm mane ira nak explain kat awk? Ira perlu keluar segera awk, ira boleh jadi gile...sebab sekarang ni pun dah separuh gile. Im serious, I am to stress and blocked. Takut2 one day, I lost my life sebab ira tak nak kecewa kan semua org but end up ira kecewakan the whole world. Berdosa ira rase setiap hari dgn semua ni sebab rase penyesalan dgn hidup yg indah Tuhan bg ni. Ira dah tak tahan awk...ira dah rase mcm terlalu perit, sampai dah tak tau nak hulur tangan keluar dari lubang yg terlalu dalam gelap mcm ni. Percayalah, dugaan yg awk ade sekarang, tak sebesar yg ira lalui, bersyukur dgn ape yg awk ade sekarang....ira harap awk lah org yg boleh selamatkan ira.....

Where do I start?

 
 Salam...u olls, dah lama tak update blog nih :) Well, so far so good. Cerita of coz lah byk in my life, baik n xbaik pun ade. Oklah cerita sikit2 ok, sekarang ni I have my own freelance business, training program...yg diimpikan selama ni. On going, still menapak and currently I started working. Family is fine, debts...still ade. Hahah..but improving, cleaning up. Anyway, I think I moved on...oh no...I did. I hate him a lot now, I'm glad that happened. I started to feel that love will come by itself. Busy finding someone right for me last few months now I stopped. Coz I found that useless. As usual, friends around ade yg ok ade yg cam B#%#$% but then what more can we say, manusia kan? Learned a lot till now. Everyone around married...still not my turn yet...hardly, I'm sad but waiting for that moment, I bet it will be the most beautiful right timing for me. Nowadays filling up my time with family, close friends...nothing much. Ada one thing I want to share with u olls, if u read my blog...previous post ade byk lah gak cerita psl my ahli muzik. Guess what? I think I'm crushed with him now...again...boleh tak?? OMG....padan muka I, tu lah benci sgt kan. Now, I really believe that jgn benci org sgt. Mmg lah die currently in relationship..but then as I told him, jodoh tu rahsia Allah s.w.t. so no one will know. Now we are officially together but then still we have to go thru certain levels to reach the dream we had before to came true. I hope we will be together at last. We just give a shot now, yg lain2 biar takdir yg tentukan, asalkan usaha :) that is good enough. Lepas tu kalau takdir shows to negative, time to let go...this will be the last chance that we give it the best. Oklah korg, my next plan should be vacation...I will update. Doakan he propose cepat2 ye...mood nak kawen dah sampai :)

For some time....

Hei people, dah lama I didn't update my blog, surprise nye I still ingat my password. Anyway, its been a while since I wrote about me here. My life sucks now a days, byk yg jatuh turun. Semuanya teruk dan sakit sgt nak tanggung semua ni but I am doing my best to star strong. Byk yg jadi since he left. He called me, we be in rship for sometime then we broke up coz he found out that I never have a twins which I told him just to make him stay with me. But why I did all that? u guys tahu knp kan? coz I love him very much. I tak tau nak buat ape lg except for that lies. Its true he cares but after that he never want to understand why I did that? Why u never want to understand? I am so lost, u have taken everything and I got nothing left. Then I continue walking alone accepting the fact that u never care and not the one for me. I figure up byk strategies utk lupekan him. Then one day, there is a guy who actually made me forget him a bit, I was bz dating and getting know someone else. We hooked up as we had d same experienced, slightly same. I was happy with him, even susah tp we hidup mcm medium je. At least he made my day by forgetting him. Things doesn't going well all the time. Dugaan starts to show up. I thought those sweet talk are true this time but turned up to be sucks than before. He showed true color so do I. I wont say he is bad but he is not a person who stick to what he said and panic at all time. Never being there when I need him always like Francis did. What ever he said just a dream. Before bad things happened, semuanya tak pe. After we decided to broke up becoz his feng shui was not good in rship, he turned up to be a jerk. Padan muka actually, I thought I could make it up to him but rase mcm nak biar je. Tp my hati ni lembut sgt, cepat kesian kat org. Now die sms semua yg die ckp x kesah dulu, tuntut semua. Lelaki or mmg melayu mcm ni? At least Francis took a long time to hurt me. He made me happy for quite sometime till I can't forget since d first time we met till now. Mmg Im in deep trouble now, a lot of shit. Kalau ade, dah lame bg blk ape yg die dah buat utk I. But this guy just don't get it. Recently pushing me, but what more I can do? I don't have anything and kecewa dgn attitude die. Mase first time jumpe family die, I thought they are d coolest but manusia...susah nak jangka. Unpredictable, yg baik kat luar tu lah bahaya. I have no idea for what reason they did this to me. I am annoying when it comes to relationship but Francis always says before, I maybe so annoying for him but I am the one who change him to a better person he is now. I am so upset every time I wish to do good things for people I love it turned up to be bad things. Now that I am trapped with a lots of shit, till I don't have any idea anymore what to do. I am stuck n trapped with all things around me. I am so broke, so many debts pending. People looking for me. Who knows? I just keep it in myself. I have no idea what to do. I don't want my family to know, but I can;t hold it any longer, I just let things go by the flow. I am super damn salute my mum as she knows everything even I did not tell her anything what I am into. I am feeling very empty and very down with all this, no one there for me anymore to give me spirit, I am all alone. Mase Francis ade dulu, at least I have reason to raise up but now what left? he is there in Sweden, me here. Is there any possibility we will be united? In Allah hand, anything is possible but are we fated to be together? Did he feel the same way I feel? Missing him every second, killing me. All I wish is to forget him every day but things get worse when I start missing him more every day. Why he want to leave? sampai hati die. After all there years, kenapa die sanggup buat cam ni to me? His love was not strong enough? All this question still playing in my mind. I wish I can turn back time and tell him I wont give my heart and soul to love someone like him coz now I know its suffering. Die tak rase ke sakitnya hati aku ni? I can never love someone else. My friends slalul tanye, if he comes back, will u go back to him? Tipu lah if I said no. Of coz yes!! I love him too much, dah cukup sebati and hes d only one I want now but in other way,  I pray a lot that Allah akan hilangkan rase cinta ni untuk yg lebih baik, lebih berhak dari semua org yg tak tahu hargai my love. Kenapa susah sgt ade org nak faham what I felt? EMPTY. I have made up my mind yg, if after few months things doesn't going well, still not in place I will be away, I think I should go away for sometimes to fix my self. Out of the country. Kadang2 ade jugak fikir I want to fly to Sweden and tell him how much I love him but can't imagine if he have someone else already even I know no one could ever love him like I did. He change his rship status to engaged then back to single just to made me crazy ke ape coz he knows I am stalking his FB? Well it works coz I do feel bad till now tears are dropping like waterfall. But I know my sayang very well, when ever I will be in front of his door knocking and he open up d door, be more than happy and he will change his mind coz I know him, he look tough, strong and ego but he have such a soft and gentle and also kind heart. I wish I could have that moment when he hug me and kiss me and that time I know he misses me so much more than I do. Its just his EGO! Only ALLAH knows what is the best. Anyway, at the moment I just pray that things will be better. Right now I am doing my best to climb back to those success moment that I had before. Maybe all this made me stronger and wiser human being. At this age, having all this problems, just one positives thing I could take is, I am young but yet I have experienced all this dugaan. GOOD isn't it? Then things will never be to late for me. I am reading a book which gave me a lil bit of bzness rather than I thought of my shits. Anyway, that is all for now pal. Please korang doakan I jadi seorang manusia yg berjaya and berguna. Amiiinnnnn

My Story - Never Ending Story



     A story, my story. It is started when I broke up with him. We know each other for almost 6 years when we broke up. We were from the same school, we were so in love. Young and happy but things get stupid when he kept on controlling, he cares too much. Then, it annoyed me a little while but yet I still love him a lot. Same goes to him, he never had someone else before. I am the only one and he loves me more than I do. We never thought that we can never be together, I can't imagine life without him. For me, at that time he was only my routine. The love that we enjoyed from the first turned up to be routine. It is because he keep on repeating doing the same thing. Another thing about him, his family did not allowed this relationship because they said its distracting our studies. His mom did a lots of stuff to make me fuck out from his son's life. I did not understand and do the best for us, I change school, we get seperated but our love were too strong and he keep on coming to me but I refused. Somehow, it makes me feel that we can be together, maybe this happened because we are still young and still in school. To cut the story short, we finished SPM. I continue attending courses, training and so on then I got my first job in Air Asia as a ground crew while he's still do nothing at home. I encourage him, support him and struggling to help him to do something. But it was all not easy because he had no effort, he just wait, wait and wait. His mum ??? tell me to leave him but I swallowed everything, he did nothing, He did not stand for me, for us. He just kept quite. I kept all by myself, all he did is told me just ignore. We were 4 years at that time and I want to be sure that we will get married but he makes me feel bored and I felt like he's such a wall or maybe a table that did not take any action. So I still be patient, till one day.........I decided to break up with him. That was after 6 years of that relationship. He couldn't accept it. I can't tolerate no more. He kept on begging. I said, I'm sorry I just can't deal with this anymore. So basically, it was all about him being a mummy boy i guess. Then we go our seperate ways, I heard he was hurt real bad. Couldn't move on, stuck and even begged my family. Things didn't change anything. The story ends, (I thought). I was hurt too because after 6 years planned to have him as my man but its just not happen. But I am happy with myself after that break up. It took me only a month to moved on.

         Then, I got a job in one of the biggest travel agency in town, I quit my job in Air Asia because it is much convenient for me. I worked there happily, enjoying my single life. Good life. Till one day, I was hang out with my collegue, than they were talking about one guy that actually a manager there but he was on leave because he had an accident. I did not interfere that conversation. They said that he is good looking but then they said he is a gay and have scandal with our CEO. Then I started lauging. They were so funny and I lefted them and continue my job, my routine. I was a good staff there, puntual, many sales and the highest revenue scores. Then, one day I came to work as usual, then my friend said, the guy we talked about on that other day is here. Then I replied, "oh really? which one is he?". They said, he's next door. I went and see next door, that guy for sure is the one who standing, looking smart and charming because gay's always like that...my impression. Then I went back to my place. After 1 week, I got chicken pox. My face was all polka dots, I was wearing sweater with hut to cover my ugly face. I went out to send some document to my manager and that guy was there and he said hi to me then he asked me, "what's wrong? why did u cover your face?" then my maneger answer his question, she got chicken pox. At about 1pm lunch time, he came to the reservation office than just look at me from outside the window for about 15minutes till I realised that someone is looking at me. Then, I opened the door and asked him, "yes? what can I do for u?". He ask me if I have my lunch? I told him not yet. He asked me again, "what do want to eat? u want to go lunch with us?" but I refused. He asked again, "what do u want me to buy for u?". I replied, "anything". The first he bought >>> milo & oreo. I felt it was really sweet of him. I started to have the feeling he can be my friend. I am very fussy in choosing my man friend.

          After that day, we became friends. We went lunch together at most of the time, close and closer. He started to talk about him self. He have a gf, that stayed in Melaka and he is not a GAY. Everybody said that so because he's close with our CEO, but they are close friend but not gays. I was laughing and understood the situation. I was single, not having any relationship. I gave my heart a break for 2 years after that break up with my ex. I couldn't bare to feel the same feeling again. There is a woman in my office, my office mate..she's crazy about him. She worked under him, she produced the highest sales in the company, basically company's asset. She's craving to have him and he can't refuse any of her wish. They were like couple but me and my cousin that worked at the same place always tease him and make fun of them but I understood why did he have to command all her wish. For sales people, it is the culture like that. I learned a lot in that company. Hard and easy, bad and good. One day, he asked me to accompany him to smoke at the staircase on our office level. He listened to all my stories, (I like to talk a lot when Im nervous or get excited). When I was talking, he kissed me and I was shock but did not refused. I kissed him back. OMG....what the hell am I doing?? He smile than we walked away, we started to get closer but he is still with his gf. I knew this is all just a scandal between us, because for me I was not ready as well for any steady relationship. We had fun a lot, like a love birds then the people in office realised and they warned us that we can't have any relationship in the office so we act normal in the office but yet he still flirts with me when no one notice, he make me feel happy for once again in my life. He make me want to come to office everyday. My day are no longer a routine. He made my day everyday. One day, he brought me to hang out with his friends. We were walking to the place we supposed to meet his friends, and he told me "never fall for me, and if u did I will never talk to u anymore". Weirdly, I answered him..."Oh, for sure". When we arrived to his friends, they were talking and stuff (I didn't understand his language, oh..he is a foreigner from Iraq but family in Sweeden, in Malaysia for 9 years at that time). One of his good friend was trying to flirt with me and he was a lil bit angry, I can see on his face then when his friend crossed the line he started to yell at him and pulled me to go back. I was shocked but my hearts flying out from my body because he was jealous and angry and protecting me.

                  He told me that his gf is coming down to KL. Then I don't know why I feel jealous but I just ignore that feelings. I didn't see him or contacted him for 3 days because he was excitedly went and fetch his gf from the bus station. But then, on the second day his gf was here, he called me and told me that he missed me so badly and so do I. I asked about his gf but he sounds not happy and I did'nt want to ask more. Then after that, she went back to Melaka. He told me that his friends all not really comfortable with her. They said that he is with a ghost and I was shocked why would they said like that..so mean??? What I know, he really loves her because everytime they talked on the phone, I was there. Since that day, he called her lesser and keep on rejecting her call. I told him why would u do that? He said... I'm not sure. Then one day we went and hang out in one of our favourite place at that time, he proposed to me to be his gf. I remembered the first time when he told me not to fall for him but he fell for me. Erm? I'm speechless but in my heart, its like happiest ever on the earth. I don't care about anything else anymore. Yes, I fell in love with him. We fell in love. We were the happiest couple ever, he started to ignore his gf but then he went to see her still in Melaka, she told him that sh fell sick and I was like upsad but I understood and he promised that he will not forget me. Then I just accept it, he told me that after things are ok he will break up with her. I can see his effort, he loves is all for me. We are deeply in love, nothing can stop us. Everything is about me and him. He told his friends that he wanted to be serious with me because he felt that I'm the one for him. Years after years, in relationship everything was good and sweet earlier. After 2 years of relationship, we began to have commitment for each other, its not only love, its more than that. Arguement, are normal in love, we fight but our love became stronger. We both are over protected. We quit from that company because no relationship allowed. I worked in another place, training company. He worked freelance in his line, tour guide. Life was ok, not really good but we go thru.

                        Many things happened along this relationship but we break thru, he broke up with his gf. Life getting better, we were doing good at our work. We enjoyed every moment, forget everything, everyone. One day, he told me that he wanted to convert to muslim and I felt so happy because he gets the light from HIM. He did that for himself not for me that is more gracious. Things were even better, because we decided to get married on 2012. That is the biggest dream I ever wanted so badly in my life. We worked really hard, but the life enjoyment make us forgets HIM. When things turned up messed, he became stressed and everytime he's angry or tense, he will throw harsh words on me and things became worse when he started to put his hand on me. One time, then two times then became three and more. I get used to it, its ok for me because my love for him are strong more than anything. I choosed this, I wanted this so I just have to accept everything. For me, only I can understand him. But he did appologies everytime he did harsh stuff towards me and because of his loving caring style, I was really blind on what ever he did. He met my family, he made them comfortable and get along with him. Even the first impression was really bad about him but then they give that trust to him. After all this years, than only he showed his true colors. He started to do stuff I don't like. But I still keep my eyes close and forgive that small mistakes for him. Just because to make him happy, I did all the bad stuff he likes to do, till I became to like it as well. His friends are everything for him. He listened to them well, what ever about them he is willing to do. He trusted them, sometimes I felt he trust them more than me. Which is yes.  They always betrayed him, make him fall. But he still believe them which is everytime we fight about. All the time. He never listened to my point of view. Its not I want him to not have friends or all the time with me. Its not true, its because when they hurt the people we love the most, they make us hurt. Yes, I am hurt everytime they hurt him. I did hang out with his friends and I know not all people are the same but I know which one is sweet and which is poison. I told him not to trust them 100% not to anyone, not only his friends. He hit the wall so many times, and when he hit the wall it means I hit the wall too. Because when he's in trouble, I have to bare with it whether I like it or not. We are one, that is what he used to say.
                I swallowed every of the test on us, burden after burden. Happiness but for a while then came disaster again. We did mistakes. we both made. Its not only him, me as well. I never blame him for whatever happened and never give up swimming up to go out from this deep messed. He lost his job for almost a year, I was still with him. After couple of months, things get cool, we moved on and he got a job and then we started to planned our wedding, he was working on his visa passport and stuff. But those paper work all rejected, it was all failure. We became stressed and down drowned deep down in hopeless dream. I lost faith, stop thingking about it for a while, continue life as usual. Doing my best  and work hard finding solution to get married. He started to manipulate things, threaten me everytime we fight. My heart hurt everytime he said so, but still love is blind. You won't see bad things from them only from u. All that was our mistakes. Effort to make him feel motivated again, I start to thing about what I can help to make him feel motivate again. I did everything for him and started to ask my self why am I doing all this effort but it is just from me. Why this happened again in this second relationship?? I have no idea what to do, what to feel. Lost for a while, but pretending and put a belief that everything will be ok. Just follow the flow. He's working and happy to see him busy because that is what he wants to do all this while. I knew what he felt, he felt useless when only I have job and work for us. He felt that he do nothing but I am totally fine with all that but for sure I don't him to seat and do nothing forever. We were ok, happy that we have our job again. Of course a lot of commitment but moving on. He approach me to go Sweeden but I told him, its not easy. We don't have money. I will definately follow him where ever he goes after our marriage. He started to complain about how hard life is in here. He started to regret and stuff. I just keep in myself. Looking at the situation, I asked myself...should I marry him? His family started to call him and in touch with him, I did notice but take it easy and just go on with life. There is one time, he was talking on video call with his mum and his grandpa and everybody...I felt pity on him and I was crying when lefted to see his friends. At that time, I'm wondering, should I let him go? But my heart can't bare to lose him, selfish. I can't imagine a day without him. After a week, he act weird but I just ignore. I am holding on our love because I love him so much, never felt like this before. Deeply and madly in love with a man who came in my life 3 years ago. All the pain was never a pain as long as I'm with him.

                 I am struggling to marry the man I love. More than anything else. I accepted all the bad and good about him, it was final. Even I like it or not. One fine day, things was ok. We were fine. He called me everyday just excatly like everyday he used to do. Texted me, normal. No fight and so on. On the same day, he told me..."baby, I told u right everything going to be fine right?, u just have to be strong for me ok syg?". Then I pause for a while, amazed what he told me. In the evening, I went back from office, I called him, I told him what I did in the office today and stuff. He said, he's a bit busy today so he might not call me a lot or text me. I understood and I said ok. He said he had a group tour to Genting. He have to send them to the bus station. He will call me later. He texted me at about 9pm, he told me he's on the way back home. I did friend finder on his numberand he was not heading to home, but heading towards Gombak then I called him he said he's busy, he'll call me later. I waited for his call till midnight then when I call back, his phone was off. I waited till 3am. He did'nt call back, I was really worried. At the same time thinking maybe he hang out with his friends but he don't want to tell me. The next day, still no call from him. I can't wait and went to his house and he was not there but all his stuff still there but only few things was not there. I don't bother and continue waiting for him till 12pm. Calling all his friends but they have no idea about him. I'm not satisfied, I went to the office he worked, and the boss told me he came yesterday and send his resignation letter and he brought with him small bag and he told him that he's going out from KL, he found better offer. I was lost and clueless. I went to see his good friend. His friend told me that he went to Thailand and smuggle to go back to Sweeden. I was stunt for a while, couldn't say any word. I can't walk, breathless, dark, no describtion. I do not want to believe his friend and continue walking lost in the middle of people I don't know and crying and keep on trying to remember what did happened before, what did I do? millions of questions in my head running around. I couldn't take it, I've look for him everywhere and I can't find him. I went back home and kneel on the floor and I know something is happening. We were ok and why? that question keep on running on my brain. My mum and dad, lost idea what to do becasue I kept asking them to find him. They did not scold me, they know I am lost and broken into pieces. My tears was rolling all the time, I got histerical, hopeless and so lost. I didn't eat, drink or do nothing. I when and see doctor because my condition was really bad.  I'm still waiting even I already know the answer but I just don't want to accept anything till I listen to him myself. I texted and call him everyday. Sent him messages on his email, everyday I checked my inbox. I called his mum as well, even I don't really understand what she said, I did my best to understand. Still hoping for him. After 5 days, he sent message on msn. He said that he's out from the country, he can't be with me. He did all this for our own good. He did not write much he said, he do love me but our situation didn't allowed us to be together. I was like hit by tsunami and my heart was broken and what I felt can never be describe till now. Its pain yet incomplete. Everybody, advised me. Give me motivation but all that did'nt work. I pull my self inside darkness, I blame everything. I shut the door of fact. I lose faith once again. Fell in confusion, depression. Living in question, sadness. I'm insane, i couldn't talk or even get out from my room. Felt scared when I go out, I saw him everywhere. His shadow is hauting me. I got rotten when I remembered all his promises. Its playing on my ears. Sometimes I'm angry, sad, happy, upsad, geram. No specific feelings. Thinking and thinking, crying and crying. I don't bother about people around me.

                 One night, my lil brother came to me. He gave me a letter, he wrote there... "kakak, jgn lah menangis lg, adik sedih lah tgk kakak mcm ni. adik syg kakak". Then I came to realised for what I cried for all this. Nothing can change, its over. All those dreams, hope are all gone. He showed me the way...HE took things from me because I belief HE have better plan, better things for me. I got the light, start believing again, read more books, did research online how to over come heart broken. Hang out more with friends and family. Alhamdulillah, start praying. Asking HIM to guide me the way seens I've lost long time ago. Maybe all this are his plan to make me a stronger person and better mankind. I did everything but still fall into this sadness but I'm thankful that I still breathing. I went out with few new people, still this heart and brain thinking about him. Its not easy, I slept less that 5hours everyday. I didn't get the peacefull moment still. Search for it everywhere, pray to HIM everyday that I could be stronger. I am still having the same feeling till now that I'm writing this blog. But I want to do this, throw out all those stories in here. In this blog, I didn't write all about my story. Trust me, it will never finish even for the next 50 pages. Till here I write this. I am not strong enough yet to continue this story. However, I accepted all this lesson and destiny that has written for me. Something better must have been waiting for me out there. For u, I still love u even I force my self to hate u. But in Islam, they told us not to hate someone or pray the worse for the people that hurt us. They said, the earth is round, what goes around, comes around. I am thankful for this biggest lesson. I will never stop loving u but I hope that one day, I could. So long my love...............


People, I wil continue my story when I get the strenght again to write, to write this will need a lot of strenghten. Happy reading......

*Sorry if there is spelling error or grammar mistakes.

Way to my wedding day :)

Hi people, it have been quite sometime I didn't write on my blog. Sorry, a loads of things to do yaw..life was on a shack a bit, but it's ok. That's life, goes up goes downBut we still manage to fix it up everytime, hopw for a better day everyday. Well, talking about way to go my wedding day. I just can believe that Im gonna get married to someone I've never ever thought in my mind before. I meant he is such a surpurise in my life and he is the one that I always wanted to be and spend the rest of my life. Hope that happiness and joyful will color our life even after our marriage. We have decided on Dec 2012 but I guess things don't want to get too rush and we have delayed to next year end Feb 2013 or early Mar 2013. So, Im excited for it...but so much to do, so much to arrange, so much to think, so much test, so much so much so much..hHhahaha, but that's life, u want to get to something u must bare with it, must GET IT!! I learned from all the experience in life, that u should not give up, and everything have solution. We kind facing hard problem, but stay calm coz panic doesn't bring u anywhere, but panic also sometimes is good for u :) First, I was afraid that I can't marry him but Gosh, I have to say that my love is my strenght. And, I guess that is the powerfull of LOVE. Ok, I will write more about the wedding and that time, would be the preparation...today its just the introduction how excited and nervous I am. Here is some LOVE I dedicated to my baby......

Hey Baby,

I know u don't really read but I like to write about u :)

I just wanna u to know that everythime I saw u, till now I still can feel the beat of my heart :)

And I seriously have no idea where those beats come from but it surely LOVE for u :)

Everyday without u such a mess and won't brighten my day more :)

U are the only one who can deal with me the way I am and Im IMPRESS baby :)

It's just too simple to make u happy and I will make your head crack :)

My love u are so special to me more than anything ever happen to me :)

Im too scared to lose u, I can't bare with my self :(

Love u so much baby love >.<

Love Birds

Today, 26th July 2011. 5.34pm exactly in the office. I opened my FB....hm....thinking what to do, no bodies online. Looked around my friends FB. What a love birds are there. So sweet, but wondering how can it be last for so long? In the AFTERNOON I called him. Talking cool, nice and just a reminder then it make things all over the places. I have no longer know what I want for my life with u. To be honest, I am not understanding and running out of idea how to deliver what I thought and wanted to tell actually. You just want to understand your way, it is fine for me now. But how could u say all that to me just because u don't like what I say about your friends. Keep on repeating the words 9 years and I will stain this in my brain. I was crying looking at Arbi's and Mieza's FB comment. How sweet it can be like them. But is it will last long? I used to be like that as well....I am not trusting love anymore. I am totally confused. My friends married, having good relationship but it is unfortunate for me, all of my love story are not successful. I am hoping and doing my best to have a great relationship but all I get is headache, so unfair. Why? it's the only question I have. If you could have read my blog, actually I don't know what to write. I am so upsad but no idea how to express. Only by crying...but it's not worth it to cry for it. I just found all this are craps. So troublesome for me. I have no idea how to express it. No one could have understand. I have enough burden and now I want to touched my feelings for what? This is so difficult for me. Im just not enough strong to carry all this. All I wanted was something else. But I'm not the most luckiest person ever, every time it's always BAD LUCK. What the hell? I felt like giving up, it is too much for me. I felt tired enough for all this. Understand? Mieza, if u are reading this, I nak u tau yang I rase u ngan Arbi is so made for each other and I nak mintak maaf if I affect your relationship and nothing will ever happen between us anymore. I want u guys to be together. Just accept that he has change a lot for u. I am so happy for both of u. Best of luck my dear friend. I wish I will start belief again in LOVE.

we WERE kekasih gelap.....its the end.

Today, 23 June 2011. Now the time is 2.48pm and I'm in the office sitting on new chair :) thanks Adham coz gave me the chair. Anyway today's heart reveal is....hahahaha! guess sape call me last night??? Arbi Suffian Rozlan? so shock and surprise and etc. He was telling me he miss me but? why must have but? he kept quite because he don't like me tell about us to other people. Tell to whom? I asked him....and what to tell? I have nothing to tell anyone anything about u & me >.< He is so much drama....currently in relationship with my good friend and still did not feel any guilt towards me. Now u are telling I am the one who run away from our relationship? U thought things can be work between us but its not happening because I never told him? Hello MR. I am a girl who have proud for myself and I wont go chase running behind guys ass if I am in crushed with u. U are telling u don't dare to tell? Coward? For who I broke up, for who I waited after 2 years? hahahaha. Now u are blaming me? sorry...I am happy for what I am now and with the person I love the most <3 Francis Enrique. What do u think I will felt when u be with my good friend without telling me and I myself found out and I really felt small and embarrassed. When the time me and Ikhwan broke up, I thought we might work things out but u chose Pija and engaged with her and I still a fool waiting for u and after that u broke up, I felt this is the destiny me and u event u have a lot of weakness. I am seeking for true love and I thought our relationship might explain something that I was looking for. And u was missing and a be with someone else again this time u make me felt, I am not for u and u r not totally for me. I am so thankful and grateful for what I have now.......thanks for all the feeling u brought in me.