For some time....

Hei people, dah lama I didn't update my blog, surprise nye I still ingat my password. Anyway, its been a while since I wrote about me here. My life sucks now a days, byk yg jatuh turun. Semuanya teruk dan sakit sgt nak tanggung semua ni but I am doing my best to star strong. Byk yg jadi since he left. He called me, we be in rship for sometime then we broke up coz he found out that I never have a twins which I told him just to make him stay with me. But why I did all that? u guys tahu knp kan? coz I love him very much. I tak tau nak buat ape lg except for that lies. Its true he cares but after that he never want to understand why I did that? Why u never want to understand? I am so lost, u have taken everything and I got nothing left. Then I continue walking alone accepting the fact that u never care and not the one for me. I figure up byk strategies utk lupekan him. Then one day, there is a guy who actually made me forget him a bit, I was bz dating and getting know someone else. We hooked up as we had d same experienced, slightly same. I was happy with him, even susah tp we hidup mcm medium je. At least he made my day by forgetting him. Things doesn't going well all the time. Dugaan starts to show up. I thought those sweet talk are true this time but turned up to be sucks than before. He showed true color so do I. I wont say he is bad but he is not a person who stick to what he said and panic at all time. Never being there when I need him always like Francis did. What ever he said just a dream. Before bad things happened, semuanya tak pe. After we decided to broke up becoz his feng shui was not good in rship, he turned up to be a jerk. Padan muka actually, I thought I could make it up to him but rase mcm nak biar je. Tp my hati ni lembut sgt, cepat kesian kat org. Now die sms semua yg die ckp x kesah dulu, tuntut semua. Lelaki or mmg melayu mcm ni? At least Francis took a long time to hurt me. He made me happy for quite sometime till I can't forget since d first time we met till now. Mmg Im in deep trouble now, a lot of shit. Kalau ade, dah lame bg blk ape yg die dah buat utk I. But this guy just don't get it. Recently pushing me, but what more I can do? I don't have anything and kecewa dgn attitude die. Mase first time jumpe family die, I thought they are d coolest but manusia...susah nak jangka. Unpredictable, yg baik kat luar tu lah bahaya. I have no idea for what reason they did this to me. I am annoying when it comes to relationship but Francis always says before, I maybe so annoying for him but I am the one who change him to a better person he is now. I am so upset every time I wish to do good things for people I love it turned up to be bad things. Now that I am trapped with a lots of shit, till I don't have any idea anymore what to do. I am stuck n trapped with all things around me. I am so broke, so many debts pending. People looking for me. Who knows? I just keep it in myself. I have no idea what to do. I don't want my family to know, but I can;t hold it any longer, I just let things go by the flow. I am super damn salute my mum as she knows everything even I did not tell her anything what I am into. I am feeling very empty and very down with all this, no one there for me anymore to give me spirit, I am all alone. Mase Francis ade dulu, at least I have reason to raise up but now what left? he is there in Sweden, me here. Is there any possibility we will be united? In Allah hand, anything is possible but are we fated to be together? Did he feel the same way I feel? Missing him every second, killing me. All I wish is to forget him every day but things get worse when I start missing him more every day. Why he want to leave? sampai hati die. After all there years, kenapa die sanggup buat cam ni to me? His love was not strong enough? All this question still playing in my mind. I wish I can turn back time and tell him I wont give my heart and soul to love someone like him coz now I know its suffering. Die tak rase ke sakitnya hati aku ni? I can never love someone else. My friends slalul tanye, if he comes back, will u go back to him? Tipu lah if I said no. Of coz yes!! I love him too much, dah cukup sebati and hes d only one I want now but in other way,  I pray a lot that Allah akan hilangkan rase cinta ni untuk yg lebih baik, lebih berhak dari semua org yg tak tahu hargai my love. Kenapa susah sgt ade org nak faham what I felt? EMPTY. I have made up my mind yg, if after few months things doesn't going well, still not in place I will be away, I think I should go away for sometimes to fix my self. Out of the country. Kadang2 ade jugak fikir I want to fly to Sweden and tell him how much I love him but can't imagine if he have someone else already even I know no one could ever love him like I did. He change his rship status to engaged then back to single just to made me crazy ke ape coz he knows I am stalking his FB? Well it works coz I do feel bad till now tears are dropping like waterfall. But I know my sayang very well, when ever I will be in front of his door knocking and he open up d door, be more than happy and he will change his mind coz I know him, he look tough, strong and ego but he have such a soft and gentle and also kind heart. I wish I could have that moment when he hug me and kiss me and that time I know he misses me so much more than I do. Its just his EGO! Only ALLAH knows what is the best. Anyway, at the moment I just pray that things will be better. Right now I am doing my best to climb back to those success moment that I had before. Maybe all this made me stronger and wiser human being. At this age, having all this problems, just one positives thing I could take is, I am young but yet I have experienced all this dugaan. GOOD isn't it? Then things will never be to late for me. I am reading a book which gave me a lil bit of bzness rather than I thought of my shits. Anyway, that is all for now pal. Please korang doakan I jadi seorang manusia yg berjaya and berguna. Amiiinnnnn